A hello and a story.

Hey everyone! My name is Vivian, and this is the rebirth of my blog. I’ve been blogging since 2004 in various formats, but recently haven’t enjoyed who I’ve become in the Internet world. When I first started blogging, it used it as a shameless tell-all of the woes and worries of a high school girl. That was pretty boring. I then moved onto a shameless tell-all of the struggles of an MIT student. That was pretty interesting.

And then I graduated, got a job, entered the “professional” world, and become snooty, closed, and censored. I wrote every blog entry like my boss was going to read it (and they did – I got reprimanded several times for a few nitpicky things). I started filtering out my entries so it seemed like I had a perfect life. My writing was bland and diluted and didn’t have any of the spunk I used to possess.

No more. I’m done with watering down my thoughts. My thoughts matter. I’ll squeal about J-pop if I want to, fawn over my latest fitness clothing purchases, gush about astrophysics, and whine about my period like every other girl blogger does at some point. But mainly, I’m here because I want to focus on something that has become an integral part of my life the past few years: nutrition and fitness.

My senior year of college, I started eating really poorly. I had suffered some bad rejections (from both boys and recruiting companies), so I turned to food for comfort. I ate nonstop, in scary proportions. It wasn’t uncommon for me to stop by 7-11 at 3am to buy a bag of white cheddar popcorn, a bag of sour gummy worms, a bottle of Sprite, 3 Slim Jims, and a can of Chef Boyardee mini ravioli… AND EAT ALL OF IT IN ONE SITTING.

This continued for 2 years. Oh, of course the addictions changed – I got sick of gummy worms and moved onto Air Heads, and instead of white cheddar popcorn I  now love sea salt & vinegar chips. But the underlying principle remained the same.

The strange thing is – I’ve always told myself I wanted to be thin. I wanted to look like the girls in thinspo photos. I wanted to have guys flirt with me when I go out to bars. I wanted to be placed front-and-center in my dance routines because I look gorgeous AND lithe while doing the movements.

But I guess never wanted to be healthy. I never wanted to exercise. And I sure as hell didn’t want to give up soft drinks. So instead, for the past 2 years, I’ve been caught in a trap where I’ve yearned to be thin but didn’t want to put in the work. I would give halfhearted attempts at it – eating a Chipotle burrito and drinking a Coke (less than 1000 Calories for the day!) and expecting the calorie deficit to work.

Obviously, it didn’t. Instead, I would experience major lethargy. I would stay up late playing games and only give myself 2-3 hours of restful sleep. I would run for maybe 10 minutes (at a slow pace) as my daily exercise. I would get sick all the time from eating foods with poor nutritional value (and only eating very small portions of food, because the calorie content was so high). I even ended up anemic!

Again, no more. I’m through with being a slave to my addictions, my bad habits, and my groggy body. I’m going to start a new chapter of my life, starting next Monday (I’m giving myself a week to slowly back away from all the junk food). I’m going through Cassey’s 8 Week Hot Body Makeover and Kayla’s Bikini Body Guide. The combination of proper nutrition and proper workouts is going to kick me in the butt hard, but these 12 weeks are about exactly that – a challenge. A nice-looking and healthy body isn’t going to make itself; it’s going to be the product of hard work, struggles, support from friends, and blood/sweat/tears.

But I know in the end it will be worth it. For the sake of my future, I can do this.