The Masochist's Institute of Technologyanecdotes of an ambitious MIT student

Last night, Chao and Jason visited my room to catch up a bit on life. Somehow, between discussing destiny and adventure, we stumbled upon a series of extremely creepy topics. Among these was a “thought experiment” proposed by Chao:

Imagine that one day you woke up, and there were no people in the world. Every thing would be exactly the same – lights would still be on, people’s belongings would still exist. It’s just that there are no human beings anywhere. How would you feel, and what would you do?

Trying to imagine such a world was extremely frightening for me. I hate the feeling of isolation – imagining myself standing in the middle of a field, forest, or desert is enough to send chills down my spine. I tried to picture myself walking down a completely empty street… imagined myself walking down Dorm Row, across campus, up to Harvard Square… I’m sure the silence would have been deafening.

The more I think about it, though, I believe the most horrifying thing wouldn’t be the lack of people. Instead, it’s the feeling of being completely by yourself, consumed by your own thoughts. Living life with no purpose because there’s no benefit to doing anything. Yes, if people weren’t around I could finally sing aloud as I skipped down Dorm Row. I could dance the day away on the stage in Kresge. I could read through every book in Barnes & Noble. I could steal as much food as I wanted from Shaw’s. I could drive forever and ever and go anywhere I wanted.

But when there’s no one around, does any of it even matter? What is the point of living, then? Why sing when no one can hear you, why dance when your dance is wasted on ghostly shadows and empty chairs? What do I gain in furthering my knowledge or going anywhere I please? I couldn’t share these experiences with anyone, and “success” would mean nothing without someone with whom to compare. In fact, in such a world, you would feel like nothing but a blip on the radar. Your existence would mean nothing – people wouldn’t remember you after you die because there are no people. No matter what you do or what you think, it doesn’t matter to anyone.

In the end, both Chao and I decided that in such a case, we would just lock ourselves away in our room, living each day and pretending as if somewhere, somehow, there were still people. I can very well imagine that – sometimes it feels that way during the night at Next House, when I’m still awake working in my room and everything is quiet. That’s how it was during summer at times. In the scenario Chao presented above, I would just literally sit in my room every day, probably typing on my computer (the Internet would still exist, it’s just that no one would answer you), reading books, crocheting, singing, dancing… it would just be like living an extremely long weekend.

But that’s a temporary feeling. How would it feel to live a year like that? A decade? Twenty years? What does life become then? It’s just a useless squandering of time. But in such a world, what else could you do with your time? What is the point of travelling the world or going off on an adventure? You gain personal insight, but

1. It would probably be extremely creepy! I would always think that something might jump out of nowhere and grab me. Think I Am Legend.
2. What is the use of gaining all these experiences if you can’t pass it on to someone? I guess you could write it down, but the thought of writing something down and never having anyone find or read it… that’s sort of scary in itself.

Anyways, after Chao and I shared these thoughts, Jason proposed another question that sent a jolt of fear through my body:

In such a case, where you’re locked up every day… how long before you considered suicide?

At the mention of that last word, I instinctively curled myself up into a ball. I hate the thought of death; suicide is not an exception. And yet, what was really disturbing was the fact that I – usually someone who is very much against suicide – could actually somewhat see the appeal of it in such a situation. I mean, you could either live day to day knowing you’re the only living human being, and no matter what you do nothing meaningful will ever come of it (not to mention the fact that it would just be creepy to walk down a street and see abandoned houses, shops, etc.) Or, on the flipside, you could just end it all and escape from the nightmare. In such a world, what is the difference between staying alive in your room, and not being alive at all? There really isn’t none, because no one is around to observe or care whether you’re alive or not.

Needless to say, it took us another hour of slightly more cheerful talking before we were all able to leave and go back to our own rooms for the night.

If everything went according to plan, I would be making my first two performances with Dance Revelasian today. One of them would even be on Kresge’s stage, at the CSSA College Festival Gala, in which all of Boston’s 12 colleges plus a handful of professionals will be performing. It would be excellent exposure and I would probably be positively beaming after being in the spotlight. However, life must hate me or something, because last night the worst thing that could happen to a dancer managed to happen to me:

I sprained my foot.

It’s a rather long story as to how I actually accomplished it. To shorten the anecdote: I was basically running on my way to Ashdown, trying to make a meeting at 6:15 (it was 5:50 at the time). I had dashed across Brigg’s Field, but for some reason the open gate on the south side doesn’t have a corresponding open gate on the north side. After anxious pacing back and forth along the north end, finding no open gate, I ran back to dorm row and around the student center.

Just as I was about to dash across the street, I tripped over myself and landed in the middle of the road. Thank goodness the closest cars were a good distance away, but nonetheless I managed to roll/crawl my way back to the sidewalk, where I clutched my foot and willed the tears not to come out of my eyes.

I have twisted/strained my foot before, but it had never hurt this much in my life. I merely sat there in a ball as I called my friends to come help me back to the dorm. Since I had hurt my foot and healed easily before, I decided that there was no need to go see MIT Medical. In fact, I did quite a bit of hobbling/walking around last night to prove to myself that I would be okay for tomorrow’s performances.

After waking up, however, my foot is throbbing with pain. I can barely stand, much less walk or dance. And to a dancer, this is the worst feeling ever: not being able to dance when you want to dance. I had especially wanted to perform today, and even told all of my friends to come watch. Now I’ll be reduced to a member of the audience, and my performance-loving self is simply incapable of bearing this.

Why now, and why me?

今天今天星閃閃
(Today, today, the stars sparkle)
剩下我北風中漆黑中帶著淚
(Leaving me in the frigid north wind, in the dark, with my tears.)
– “夢伴”, by 梅艷芳 (Anita Mui)

First off, before I begin the actual entry, I’d like to say that Anita Mui is awesome, and no one can do her songs justice by just reading the lyrics, so you should listen to it as well while you read! (Excuse the very 80′s music video..)

So this song is actually a breakup song (leave it to the 80′s to make a pop song out of a depressing story), but instead of talking about sorrow and depression, it takes a rather realistic and simplistic approach. It’s not inspiring or defiant, per se, but it is very resolute and certain. And that’s definitely the feeling that characterizes the beginning of the new semester for me.

Most of my classes will not be that difficult if I can keep up with the coursework, I believe. In addition, I have at least a few contacts in each of my classes, so we can compare p-set answers and study together for tests. The professors are excellent, the material is interesting, and my entire day is actually pretty evenly distributed between classes, p-setting, rest/relaxation time, and extracurriculars.

Can it be that I’ve finally found that elusive thing called “balance” that everyone holds in such high esteem? I believe I have. When I sit here at my desk (which has been newly cleaned and reorganized), I actually feel a compelling desire to work and get things done. This week I have been very good about completing most of my assignments on time (though I’ve fallen a little behind on the Finance Theory readings), and I plan to start the first 18.06 problem set as soon as I can.

Finally, I think I can successfully say goodbye to the foolish child that I used to be, and – though it may be different and difficult at times, I definitely want to be someone who is more resolute, more motivated, and ultimately more successful. Here’s to an amazing semester…!