Date: June 7th, 2010
Time: midnight
Situation: chat with Jason

“This is the first time where I haven’t gone through break wanting desperately to go back to MIT. I think I’m starting to get really good at filtering out what’s important in life and appreciating what’s already there, instead of what I want but can’t get. I mean, if I want something really badly – be it repairing a broken friendship or a Microsoft internship – and it ends up not happening… I can live. In fact, I can live better without it, because I have a better love for what I do have.”

(Jason: “Wow, you’re now optimistic. What has MIT done to you?”)

“It’s not so much what MIT has done to me, but the fact that, in contrast to what I’ve seen at home… it’s that mixture of being in two very distinctly different worlds, and being able to see things from two different points of view. In a way, I think I have a better understanding than people who attended middle/high school in such competitive environments and then continued that in college.”

(Jason: “I’m glad for you. You’re realizing more of the world.”)

“It’s not even that I finally realized it; it’s just that I can embrace it now. I’ve always known, but it’s not until it hits you hard that you accept it. Does that make sense? I’ve always known; I just never accepted.”

(02:10:59 AM) Chao Xue: do you sometimes feel like we’re going against our nature?
(02:11:09 AM) Chao Xue: trying to be technical and businessy people?
(02:11:20 AM) Chao Xue: while we’re really artists in the heart

My immediate answer was that I “view my emotional side as rather separate from my career”, but the question still significantly troubled me. I fell asleep at 3am still mulling over the topic, and now that I’m rested up from a good night’s sleep, I feel as if I should expand on the idea of “career vs. Career” a bit.

I often joke about the fact that I am a money-monger; I laugh about how I’m going into finance so I can get rich; I dream about the huge house I will eventually own and boast about the towers I will someday own in NYC. One of my most uttered phrases is, “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness was dead wrong.” To any common stranger, I probably seem like a very materialistic person, always thinking about money and the goods it can buy.

However, while it is true that money is an integral part of my motivation – yes, I do dream of waltzing down Fifth Avenue and buying $500 shoes like they’re nothing – I don’t adhere to the belief that money is everything. I just view it as.. a means to an end. Likewise, my planned “career” (investment banking, or something similar in the field of finance) is just a stepping stone to something greater. Not that I don’t hold an interest in finance (on the contrary!), but I definitely can’t see myself working in a corporate setting for my entire life. After a while, I want to be more independent; I want to start my own company, be it a business solutions consulting practice or a software marketing company.

(02:12:39 AM) vivian: I distinguish between my academic/career side, and the more personal side
(02:12:48 AM) vivian: so that when I come home after a hard day’s work, I can sit and reflect
(02:12:59 AM) vivian: it’s a bit harder at MIT since work is never really finished…

Ultimately, I want to start my own entertainment agency, so that I can share my love for music with the world. If I could, I would attempt to be a performer myself, but I cannot sing well enough, cannot compose, cannot arrange music, cannot play music, and cannot dance all too well. So I would probably function best as the director or producer, shaping and molding new artists until they too can find their voice. I view this as my final Career – the job that I would most love to have if money were not an issue.

I’m sure most people have a similar Career in mind, whether it’s being a professional world traveler, or a journalist, or a fashion designer, or an astronaut. You know, the jobs you wanted to be as child, when there were no limits to possibility. A child’s mind is innocent and pure; without taint of the “real world”, without knowledge of money and the power of status. I think the fantasies we dreamt up during that period of our lives is a reflection of our true selves. Wouldn’t it be amazing if, at the end of the day, everyone was able to achieve what they truly wanted to achieve?

I definitely don’t want to disappoint that starry-eyed 5-year-old that grins up at me from my old, yellowed photo albums. She had big dreams of being famous, of being a star, of sharing her thoughts with the world. And even as I sit here, a cynical and pessimistic young woman of nearly 20, I make this promise: I won’t give up on my younger self and her Career goals.

Streetlight… people…
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night.
Don’t stop believing;
Hold on to that feeling.
~ “Don’t Stop Believing”, Journey (covered by Glee cast)

I have been listening to “Don’t Stop Believing” from the Glee cast (Chao got me hooked on yet another show!) for the past few days, nonstop. It’s an extremely inspirational song, and really makes me look back and assess where I am now. In fact, at this very moment I have a ton of thoughts coursing through my mind, and I have absolutely no idea how I want to phrase them. There are just so many emotions all jumbled up in there, and I don’t know how to begin getting them down on paper.

I was looking through Facebook earlier today. Many of my classmates from high school are already experiencing many “adult” milestones and activities in their lives. For example, many of them are already married (or planning to be). Some are already mothers. Some have already gotten divorced! In their eyes, I see a sense of supposed adulthood. They dress differently, act differently… even pose for pictures differently. They sit in bars and clutch their significant others… skin worn down by makeup, eyelashes dark with mascara, waving around martini glasses and chatting about rock concerts.

At times, I must admit I am rather surprised that I grew up around these people. Save for some of my friends in the science department, they are so different from me. To some, their idea of success is graduating from a 2-year community college. To others, their idea of a job is working as a cash registrar at Wal-mart or receptionist at a local salon.

Up at MIT, it just feels like I’m living in a bubble at times. I don’t really notice this passage of time. At times, I almost feel as if I will be a student for a very long time, even though I know that’s not true. In fact, I only have two precious years left – I’m halfway through college already. But I don’t feel at all like I’m nearing adulthood – in fact, I don’t even feel as I’ve begun the journey! Looking at all of my high-school classmates… so many of them are doing things I would consider above our years (marriage, etc.) And yet, strangely, I also believe that in some ways their minds are still naïve and childish.

It’s really shocking and sentimental to reflect back on how much we’ve grown. It’s only been two years since we graduated from high school; when I’m at MIT working on problem sets, it feels like just yesterday I was lounging around in the AP Biology classroom learning about genetics. Other times – like now – those two years feel like an eternity. So many of us are going on to do amazing things: conducting biomedical research, landing acting careers, and more. And yet, so many of my high school graduating class will be forever subject to mediocrity. They will be the future housewives, living in low-class or midle-class conditions. They will be the future labourers, working construction and civil jobs. They will be content to work their day jobs as receptionists and waitresses.

And yet, despite this sense of “mediocrity” in my eyes, these people will also be content to live life as such. They will go to their rock concerts on Saturdays, have picnics in Zilker Park, take trips to tattoo salons, grab vanilla ice cream cones at the mall… and live as if that moment was all they cared about. Yes, I have many “friends” from high school who will be or currently are living as such. I know people who had amazing ambitions freshman year (9th grade), but are currently college drop-outs. When I’m up at MIT, life seems simple: you do well in school, graduate, land a job at some famous firm, make money, and live the grand life. However, back here it just seems so much more complicated: no one really seems to know where they’re going. They take life as it comes, even if it isn’t optimal. They have no major ambitions, but they are content to not have any. Or they may have highly alternative ambitions, like being comedians or cosmeticians.

I’m not quite sure what to make of these two different worlds. The fact that I belong to both of them is quite an experience for me. Personally, I would never pick the paths that many of my classmates have.. but I’ve also never been one to push my beliefs on others.

In a way, for this I am very glad that I attend MIT. I have many huge dreams now (mostly consisting of glamourous New York lifestyles), and I have to ask myself… would any of them have been created if I had not come to such a drastically different school? If I was attending UT Austin (my original plan), would I want to work in the finance industry? Probably not; instead, I would probably still be sitting in lab at 3am debugging code.

After taking 18.440 this semester, though, I was able to easily look back at my entire 6.02 exam and understand the minute details of each question. It’s amazing how much 18.440 has taught me. I then realized that – even though it never felt like I had learned much these past two years, I actually have grown a lot, both intellectually and as a person. At the end of each semester, I always look back at my 8.012 problem sets with tears in my eyes. Every semester, they seem to get easier and easier… and those good old times of group p-setting and struggles seem farther and farther away.

So what have we learned this semester?

• 欲擒故縱 (To catch something, first let it go)
• The ones who care most about you will accept you for who you are.
• So long as you are happy, everything else will fall into place.
• Sometimes you find friends in places you least expect. Sometimes the ones you considered enemies, losers, and jerks… end up being your closest friends.
• Even if it’s last-minute, even if it’s the day before a large event and you have no participants, even if it seems impossible… with enough resourcefulness and willpower, you can make anything happen.
• It’s just as much (if not more) who you know as what you know.
• Stick up for those you care about; they will do the same for you when the time comes.
• There is such a thing as being over-ambitious. The difference between an ambitious person’s success and failure is their ability to understand their priorities.
• If a student group or activity makes you dread attending events, hate their guts, and stress yourself out, it’s probably not for you. Leave now while you still can.
• Don’t fight the emotions – embrace them, set them free into the open sky, and face tomorrow with a clean slate.
• Finally… there is no such thing as impossible.

Along Melos’s road… up until the goal, even though it’s far away…
Don’t complain! Don’t give up!
Keep running for as long as you live.
~ メロスの道 (Melos’s Road), AKB48 Team K

It is once again finals week at MIT, and I’m busting out all of my favourite inspirational tunes, including the often-quoted “明日は明日の君が生まれる (A New You is Born Tomorrow)” and “花と散れ! (Go Down Gloriously!)”. I just spent the entire night cleaning my room while reading 15.401 lectures on my laptop screen, and pausing every 20 minutes to dance around. I’ve probably burned 500 Calories from just that alone.

Starting tomorrow, I am beginning my full-fledged studying program, in which I study the entire day, only pause to eat and sleep. This week I have been sporadically studying (in the meantime, I cleaned my room and stocked up on sleep), but once I wake up tomorrow, it will be full throttle until the end.

However, this post really isn’t about my studies. I don’t think I’ve gained a lot of knowledge this semester, with the exception of 14.05 and 18.440, but I do believe that I have personally developed, both in ways of career ambitions, friendships, and discovering what really matters to me. A few highlights from the semester:

• Super-successful spring 2010 showcase by the MIT Asian Dance Team!! (complete with 6-hour-long rehearsals during production week…)
• Joining Dance Revelasian (our expo is coming up in June; buy tickets from me!)
• IHOP run during IAP with Nexties and friends!
• Taking Portuguese I during IAP and realizing that I had quite a knack for the language after all
• Networking cocktail party, the first successful large-scale SEBC Marketing event of the year!
• Performing at Emperor’s Garden for ITASA 2010
• Finding out that the class I most dreaded (14.05 – Intermediate Applied Macroeconomics) ended up being my easiest one
• It is possible to write a 15-page essay in a day and get an A… but I shouldn’t be promoting procrastination, should I? ;)
• Joining the Chinese Choral Society… and having our conductor quit on us so that I’ve only gone to three rehearsals total, eep!
• Twisting my foot the day before a performance; sitting in the audience to watch my fellow dancers rehearse brought tears to my eyes. I told myself I could recover quickly, though, and I was fully better after two weeks.
• AXO Lipsync with ADT and my pledge class (choreographing and teaching Bye Bye Bye was a new experience for me)
• Late-night discussions with Chris Luna and Anton
• Putting together a successful SEBC Marketing panel in a mere two days
• Scraping up my left elbow so badly that I still have a very nasty scar (that probably won’t go away for five years)
• Figuring out what I wanted to do with my career and post-undergrad studies
• Spending waaaaay too much money on books…
• Fighting over the pettiest things with some of my closest friends…
• Participating in a ton of case studies for 15.818 – Pricing, and placing fifth in the class pricing competition
• Receiving three anonymous roses… mysterious sender, please let me know who you are!
• Getting our Brass Rats at the 2012 Ring Delivery!
• … and much more =)

Introducing my newest [revived] hobby: translating songs!

While I have a difficult time expressing my deep emotions in concrete words, there is fortunately a medium of expression that can explain fairly well my general views in every day life: music. The combination of lyrical beats, intricately-written lyrics, and ornamental piano riffs are somehow always able to characterize my thoughts to a T.

On Portrait of a Lady in Melodic Sequence (yes, it’s named after the novel by Henry James), I will share various lyrics with you all that describe my innermost thoughts, principles, and values. If you have the time, definitely check out the songs themselves, since the music is every bit as much a part of the experience as the gorgeous lyrics (provided in both the original and usually very mangled translations). Please enjoy =)

Click to visit Portrait of a Lady in Melodic Sequence!

1. Caterpillars were disgusting, and must be avoided at all costs
2. Caterpillars were fascinating, cute, or both; picking up the tiny little green ones with smiley-face markings on their heads was fine… but to touch the huge, gray ones with spikes, or the wooly brown ones was taboo.
3. Caterpillars were disgusting and horrendous creatures, but if you managed to pick one up without trembling, you were a hero for the day.

Guess to which school of thought I belonged? Here’s a hint: I have held countless numbers of these, these, and even a few of these. My classmates were awed; I had always seemed to be a “sissy”, timid, girly-girl who was scared of bumblebees. And yet, here I was, letting caterpillars crawl up my arms, shoving them in people’s faces, and sticking them down boys’ shirts.

Nowadays, however, I can’t even look at a photo of a caterpillar without shuddering a bit on the inside. If given the chance, I would not pick one up, no matter how much peer acceptance it would give me. Why is it, I wonder, that when I slowly grew up I eventually developed a greater fear for caterpillars? It’s not like I’m scared they will “bite” or poison me. I simply get a queasy feeling when I look upon those creepy little legs and chubby little bodies of theirs. And they aren’t the only thing: I’m definitely more terrified of spiders and loneliness – amongst other things – than I used to be.

That loss of childhood innocence and wonder is somewhat depressing to me. As a child, you lived peacefully, unaware of the dangers of the world. Sure, you knew that death happened, and fires occurred more often than you think, and fire ants would bite you viciously. However, that certainly didn’t prevent me from playing with candles, provoking fire ant hills with a stick (and then letting them crawl on my hands), and holding poisonous caterpillars. As adults, though, we are more aware of our lives and thus slowly build up walls of caution.

In some ways, it’s a good thing. In other ways, however, it’s a bit saddening. Psychological, abstract ideas become more concrete to us as we grow older: death, isolation, unemployment. In fact, death and isolation are two of my biggest fears nowadays, not the dark or my parents’ scoldings. Isn’t it strangely frightening how, over the years, you eventually lose that innocence and fear of concrete items… in exchange for fuller knowledge of the world’s dangers and a fear of the abstract?

Someday – when this domain expires, or if/when my external hard drive crashes with my blog backups, or if I lose interest in blogging – all my thoughts written here will disappear. All it takes is a single click of the mouse to delete all of these thoughts and memories. But a journal is something else: it’s concrete. It’s physical. Unless I lose or damage it, it will never disappear on accident or as a result of a technological disaster. In addition, someday when I’m older, I would love to give it to my daughter or grand-daughter, so that she may also experience my hopes and dreams.

It’s been a while since I’ve journaled, though, and I want to make my writings somewhat more profound than, “Today I went to class. I think I’m doing well in 14.05, but not so much in 15.401. I need to study harder.” That seems so petty; it’s the kind of “journaling” you do in elementary school, when you took your mother’s advice to “document your life” a little too literally. I want to use my journal as a method of reflection and inner discovery.

Thus, to start out, I’m going to use the quotes from Quote-a-Day to prompt my reflections. It is my goal to journal at least once a week =) Wish me luck!

“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

This quote came up in a conversation I had last night, and it got me thinking. A lot of people seem to take it in a romantic context (to which it’s certainly applicable), but I also believe that it extends to friendships, family, and other social connections. According to the quote, everyone is the representation of their own “world”, which offers a variety of different thoughts, values, services, and more. When you accept someone as a friend or loved one, you essentially give them the key to this world, and let them experience it in full.

If such is the case, then I would like to think that each person tries to make their special “world” as close to a paradise as possible. I know I certainly do; if I care about you enough, and you accepted me a close friend, then I would slowly open the door and allow you glimpses into the paradise beyond. Perhaps, over time, I’d let you take a few cautious steps inside, until you were standing in the middle of it all, peaceful and happy.

What I’ve found lately, however, is that people are often turned away by the fact that my presumed paradise is guarded by dark, thorned gates. Yes, I admit that at first glance, I may not be the nicest of people. I may not exude sunshine and rainbows. In fact, sometimes I might even be a bit intimidating or a bit harsh. But I think these qualities make the end reward – gaining my trust and caring – a worthier prize. If one can surmount my tough-girl exterior and see me for the kinder person that dwells inside, then he definitely deserves paradise and much more.

Unfortunately, I have met very few people (both here and in past areas of my life) that are willing to pry apart the iron gates and take a glimpse at the shining world within. Several past disappointments with friendships have proved that. And I suppose until the time comes that a determined wanderer cares enough to peek inside those ominous doors, I’ll sit here alone on my wooden swing; dangling in the shade of the grand oak tree at the center of my paradise, multicoloured flowers blooming all around, the sun smiling down… waiting – just as I am – until another special someone finds me again.

Both Anton, Chris, and a various number of other people have spoken extensively on their so-called “required” qualities for someone to be a close friend, but the line is definitely very blurred for me. I can’t successfully pinpoint what makes a person my “friend”, nor what it is about them that I particularly admire or like. I immediately go with gut feeling over logical analysis. I guess it’s the curse of being an ENTP, huh?

For example, within 5 seconds of meeting someone, I can usually decide if I like the person or not. It may be something as petty as “I don’t like the tone of voice she uses” to something deeper, such as, “Their moralistic values clash with mine.” More often than not, though, it’s the former. I make very snap judgments about people, not because I purposefully choose to be close-minded, but because it’s my instinctive nature to do so. Fortunately, most of the time my “judgments” end up being fairly accurate in some way or another, so perhaps I can chalk it up to a sixth sense like my mother’s.

On the other side of the spectrum: my current friends. Obviously I click best with my Next House friends (4W bunch), but even amongst these people I do not feel completely comfortable. This brings up an interesting thought: the more comfortable I am with a person, the more relaxed I feel during moments of silence with them. I can definitely attest to the fact that around some members of the 4W bunch, I feel entirely self-conscious and nervous during moments of silence. It’s a very discomforting level of awkwardness…

… whereas on the other hand, I am completely willing to open up and relax around those with whom I am closest. Around Chao and Jason, my two closest friends here, I can be a near-accurate representation of myself (not entirely, of course; if I can be completely myself around someone, then they would be my best friend). I don’t need to mask or hide the darker side of my thoughts around them; they understand me for who I am – good and bad – and I easily reciprocate. Right after them comes some of my other close friends – Anton, Chris, Judy, Lindsey, Hongyou… maybe Nick and Shankari. Needless to say, my network of acquaintances is large, but my circle of close friends is definitely very small. In fact, I would say that anyone listed after Judy probably barely reaches the border of my close friend circle.

Is this a bad thing? Does it mean I’m a very picky person with high standards? Or does it simply mean I haven’t found the people with whom I click best? What are my standards? I mean, I definitely like people with similar personal values as me (“darkly ambitious”, appreciative of the arts, hard-working, extroverted), but there are definitely clear contradictions in my circle of closest friends. For example, Anton is definitely not as extroverted as I am, but I feel very comfortable speaking with him about rather liberal topics. Jason is definitely not as “darkly ambitious” as I am, but it definitely doesn’t stop me from including him in my plans. What is it about these people that allow them to surpass this “criteria” I have set up?

I still have no idea what makes a friend in my mind, and in some ways I don’t think I ever will. It’s merely a feeling; a gut sensation that knows best. And I guess for now, I’ll stop worrying about what makes a friend and get back to being friendly with my 18.440 textbook.

Side note: I envy how well-thought out Anton’s blog entries are. He seems to have a very linear line of thought, whereas my thoughts are literally a mental explosion – one thought leads to twenty, and it’s very hard to trace each of these lines of thought without getting sidetracked, confused, or lost. Or all three.