The Masochist's Institute of Technologyanecdotes of an ambitious MIT student

Streetlight… people…
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night.
Don’t stop believing;
Hold on to that feeling.
~ “Don’t Stop Believing”, Journey (covered by Glee cast)

I have been listening to “Don’t Stop Believing” from the Glee cast (Chao got me hooked on yet another show!) for the past few days, nonstop. It’s an extremely inspirational song, and really makes me look back and assess where I am now. In fact, at this very moment I have a ton of thoughts coursing through my mind, and I have absolutely no idea how I want to phrase them. There are just so many emotions all jumbled up in there, and I don’t know how to begin getting them down on paper.

I was looking through Facebook earlier today. Many of my classmates from high school are already experiencing many “adult” milestones and activities in their lives. For example, many of them are already married (or planning to be). Some are already mothers. Some have already gotten divorced! In their eyes, I see a sense of supposed adulthood. They dress differently, act differently… even pose for pictures differently. They sit in bars and clutch their significant others… skin worn down by makeup, eyelashes dark with mascara, waving around martini glasses and chatting about rock concerts.

At times, I must admit I am rather surprised that I grew up around these people. Save for some of my friends in the science department, they are so different from me. To some, their idea of success is graduating from a 2-year community college. To others, their idea of a job is working as a cash registrar at Wal-mart or receptionist at a local salon.

Up at MIT, it just feels like I’m living in a bubble at times. I don’t really notice this passage of time. At times, I almost feel as if I will be a student for a very long time, even though I know that’s not true. In fact, I only have two precious years left – I’m halfway through college already. But I don’t feel at all like I’m nearing adulthood – in fact, I don’t even feel as I’ve begun the journey! Looking at all of my high-school classmates… so many of them are doing things I would consider above our years (marriage, etc.) And yet, strangely, I also believe that in some ways their minds are still naïve and childish.

It’s really shocking and sentimental to reflect back on how much we’ve grown. It’s only been two years since we graduated from high school; when I’m at MIT working on problem sets, it feels like just yesterday I was lounging around in the AP Biology classroom learning about genetics. Other times – like now – those two years feel like an eternity. So many of us are going on to do amazing things: conducting biomedical research, landing acting careers, and more. And yet, so many of my high school graduating class will be forever subject to mediocrity. They will be the future housewives, living in low-class or midle-class conditions. They will be the future labourers, working construction and civil jobs. They will be content to work their day jobs as receptionists and waitresses.

And yet, despite this sense of “mediocrity” in my eyes, these people will also be content to live life as such. They will go to their rock concerts on Saturdays, have picnics in Zilker Park, take trips to tattoo salons, grab vanilla ice cream cones at the mall… and live as if that moment was all they cared about. Yes, I have many “friends” from high school who will be or currently are living as such. I know people who had amazing ambitions freshman year (9th grade), but are currently college drop-outs. When I’m up at MIT, life seems simple: you do well in school, graduate, land a job at some famous firm, make money, and live the grand life. However, back here it just seems so much more complicated: no one really seems to know where they’re going. They take life as it comes, even if it isn’t optimal. They have no major ambitions, but they are content to not have any. Or they may have highly alternative ambitions, like being comedians or cosmeticians.

I’m not quite sure what to make of these two different worlds. The fact that I belong to both of them is quite an experience for me. Personally, I would never pick the paths that many of my classmates have.. but I’ve also never been one to push my beliefs on others.

In a way, for this I am very glad that I attend MIT. I have many huge dreams now (mostly consisting of glamourous New York lifestyles), and I have to ask myself… would any of them have been created if I had not come to such a drastically different school? If I was attending UT Austin (my original plan), would I want to work in the finance industry? Probably not; instead, I would probably still be sitting in lab at 3am debugging code.

During my conversations with Anton and Chris last night, I found myself questioning my definition of a “friend”. Namely, what makes an individual a “friend” in my eyes, and when do they “graduate” from a mere friend to that of a close friend? And of course, why am I so fickle that I consider myself devoid of best friends?

Both Anton, Chris, and a various number of other people have spoken extensively on their so-called “required” qualities for someone to be a close friend, but the line is definitely very blurred for me. I can’t successfully pinpoint what makes a person my “friend”, nor what it is about them that I particularly admire or like. I immediately go with gut feeling over logical analysis. I guess it’s the curse of being an ENTP, huh?

For example, within 5 seconds of meeting someone, I can usually decide if I like the person or not. It may be something as petty as “I don’t like the tone of voice she uses” to something deeper, such as, “Their moralistic values clash with mine.” More often than not, though, it’s the former. I make very snap judgments about people, not because I purposefully choose to be close-minded, but because it’s my instinctive nature to do so. Fortunately, most of the time my “judgments” end up being fairly accurate in some way or another, so perhaps I can chalk it up to a sixth sense like my mother’s.

On the other side of the spectrum: my current friends. Obviously I click best with my Next House friends (4W bunch), but even amongst these people I do not feel completely comfortable. This brings up an interesting thought: the more comfortable I am with a person, the more relaxed I feel during moments of silence with them. I can definitely attest to the fact that around some members of the 4W bunch, I feel entirely self-conscious and nervous during moments of silence. It’s a very discomforting level of awkwardness…

… whereas on the other hand, I am completely willing to open up and relax around those with whom I am closest. Around Chao and Jason, my two closest friends here, I can be a near-accurate representation of myself (not entirely, of course; if I can be completely myself around someone, then they would be my best friend). I don’t need to mask or hide the darker side of my thoughts around them; they understand me for who I am – good and bad – and I easily reciprocate. Right after them comes some of my other close friends – Anton, Chris, Judy, Lindsey, Hongyou… maybe Nick and Shankari. Needless to say, my network of acquaintances is large, but my circle of close friends is definitely very small. In fact, I would say that anyone listed after Judy probably barely reaches the border of my close friend circle.

Is this a bad thing? Does it mean I’m a very picky person with high standards? Or does it simply mean I haven’t found the people with whom I click best? What are my standards? I mean, I definitely like people with similar personal values as me (“darkly ambitious”, appreciative of the arts, hard-working, extroverted), but there are definitely clear contradictions in my circle of closest friends. For example, Anton is definitely not as extroverted as I am, but I feel very comfortable speaking with him about rather liberal topics. Jason is definitely not as “darkly ambitious” as I am, but it definitely doesn’t stop me from including him in my plans. What is it about these people that allow them to surpass this “criteria” I have set up?

I still have no idea what makes a friend in my mind, and in some ways I don’t think I ever will. It’s merely a feeling; a gut sensation that knows best. And I guess for now, I’ll stop worrying about what makes a friend and get back to being friendly with my 18.440 textbook.

Side note: I envy how well-thought out Anton’s blog entries are. He seems to have a very linear line of thought, whereas my thoughts are literally a mental explosion – one thought leads to twenty, and it’s very hard to trace each of these lines of thought without getting sidetracked, confused, or lost. Or all three.

First off, I’d like to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. Hopefully as you continue your festivities today, you’ll remember that there are many, many people in the world far less fortunate than you are. There, then, lies the true spirit of Thanksgiving – appreciating what you have, when you have it… and helping those who need it most.

This year, I’d like to take a few moments to reflect on the events this year for which I am most thankful. Besides the typical items and people at the top of my list (family, friends, MIT), I am additionally thankful for:

1. The opportunity to perform at AnimeExpo 2009 with some of my Sekai no Melody members!
2. Landing an awesome research position at Harvard Business School
3. All of the amazing sisters I have met in Alpha Chi Omega – we’ve had so much fun together!
4. The relative success that the MIT Asian Dance Team has experienced these past few months
5. Getting interviews from at least four companies, along with a second-round from one particular…
6. Staying in relatively good health, despite the one-week flu in September
7. Being able to stay at such an awesome grad dorm over the summer (Sidney-Pacific), to where I truly felt happy to “come home” after a long day at work
8. Finding majors (14 and 15) that most fit my personality and strengths, and having a direction in life.
9. Realising that I can hit all (except the final one) of Christine’s high notes in Phantom of the Opera. Yay for expanding my range..!
10. For that matter, living within distance of an amazing karaoke studio
11. And for that matter, living in such an awesome city! MIT is literally right across the bridge from Boston, which is one of the most amazingly arts-rich and socialite-rich cities in New England.
12. The fact that I can spend Thanksgiving sitting here in front of my computer, listening to old Sekai no Melody Christmas albums and feeling comforted by the fact that I have a safe home, a great education, a supportive family, entertaining friends, and a full stomach =)

Of course, Thanksgiving isn’t all fun-and-relaxation. I want to spend these two days catching up on some work and beginning my campaign to get amazing grades in all of my classes. Here, then, are a few items I hope to tackle in the coming days:

• Complete 14.02 problem set #6
• Learn enough 14.02 to pass the last test with an A
• Learn enough 15.301 to pass the last test with an A
• Write portions of the 15.301 paper as time allows
• Knock out some mixing for Sekai no Melody
• Pack for my second-round interview, and prepare…
• … by learning a bunch of common/important algorithms
• Do really well at my interviews
• Have a lot of fun in Seattle when I’m not doing the above
• Purchase books and prepare for spring 2010 semester
• Black Friday shopping with Chao and Jason
• Plow through more of my LSAT practice books
• Finish my new wall of projects
• Relax and reflect on life in general
• Begin coding the website for MIT’s Panhel
• Begin coding the website for Komaza
• Begin coding my personal website (it’s been “under construction” long enough!)